Just Like Me

Tags

health, neurology, NHS, TM, transverse myelitis, transverse myelitis society

Last Saturday, the 17th, I met others who’d suffered Transverse Myelitis. It was a huge day for me for many reasons, but not least because it was the first time I’d ever met anyone else with this rare illness. Not only that, I had also been invited to talk about the research I did into TM pain and coping as well as contribute to one of the workshops in the afternoon. It was an amazing experience and I’m so grateful to have been able to be a part of it.

It was nerve racking to talk directly after my own neurologist, Prof Young, but I felt my presentation went okay. Talking to non psychologists is difficult, but then talking and presenting to psychologists is difficult too, the two experiences are simply different. As nervous as I was though it was the good kind of nervous, the kind that has you being aware of every moment, success or failure. ^^

I want to keep in contact with as many people as possible, so I hope they either email me or see this wordpress blog and reply!

Looking forward to joining in with the Manchester support group too!

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Halfway Point

Tags

Advice, Fantasy, NaNo, NaNoWriMo, World of Darkness

It’s actually a couple of days past the halfway point for NaNo and I am feeling it! Between this and the WoD novel I am doing about 4,000 words a day. I’ve got to about 40K for both my NaNo and WoD so am well on the way to finishing on time. The problem is I keep editing out entire chapters, so dropping my word count. 😛

Alongside this I’m working on my PhD proposal and the academic article for psychology journals, so it’s been very crazy and hard but worth it.

I am missing some stuff about running my RPG sites, but I then think about all the pain I was in and the pressure I put on myself and the fact that I didn’t get nearly half as much back as I put in. That kinda sobers me up…

I have a couple of tips for keeping on writing and climbing over writer’s block:

• Skip ahead to the smut! 😛
• Skip over chapters that you aren’t “feeling” in the moment. Can always come back to them later when you are in a different frame of mind.

So Close I Can Taste It!

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degree, health psychology, Masters, MSc, Psychology

The deadline is the 29th August! If I had to hand it in tomorrow then I could… there’d be mistakes but enough is there for it to be alright! I think!

Also spoke to my supervisor about submitting this project as a paper to journals. She thinks this is possible  – so once this is done and marked she’ll decide and over the next 6 months I might be working on this journal article and my proposal for my PhD with her! So exciting! 😀

Finding Purpose Through Pain

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Education, M.Sc, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, pain, Psychology, TM, transverse myelitis

When I was 14 years old I wanted to be a doctor. I studied hard to try and get on to an A Level course that would mean I could get into Med School. Mum got cancer, then she died, then I took my exams and ended up being screwed over because of my school. Long story short they failed to post my science coursework off so I got “no result” on my GSCE sciences, even though the exam results were AAB (A’s for Biology and Chemistry, B in Physics).

When I was 23 I wanted to be a nurse so I went to college at 25 and studied Psychology, Sociology and English Literature because the two social sciences would get me into nursing school. However during my A Levels I became really interested in Psychology. I ended up applying for a Psychology degree at the University of Liverpool.

When I was 28 I wanted to be either a clinical psychologist or an educational psychologist. I ended up with a 2.1 and placements to volunteer for a year at a school and a hospital.

When I was 32 I fell ill with Transverse Myelitis.

When I was 36 I wanted to be a health psychologist or counselling psychologist so I applied to Liverpool John Moores and began a Health Psychology Masters. However, during the first semester I had a relapse and had to defer half of my assignments. In the second semester I did all my deferrals and my work for that semester and I am on course for a slightly higher grade than the one I got at undergrad.

At 37 I want to study the psychology of pain, to focus on autoimmune disease and eventually be a specialist who develops pain interventions for this group of patients – a group I belong to. It is through my own pain that I come to this final career path and since this pain is with me forever I think it is a good incentive, right? 😛

My career path has changed due to circumstances. I can adapt and have needed to my whole life. I hope I can be a help to others with chronic pain too.

 

Progress!

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degree, Education, health psychology, LJMU, M.Sc, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, TM, transverse myelitis

With one more month to go here is the progress on my research report!

Really the draft results and discussion should all be ticked since the deadline is today, however, my supervisor needs to give me a slight extension since the reason I am late is because I needed a yay or nay from her. Still handing something in though, just in case!

Whose mood? My mood? What mood?

Tags

fight or flight, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, stress, stressor, TM, transverse myelitis

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell what is a stressor sometimes – actually, make that a “negative” stressor since not all stress is bad. Stress is a good way to tell you that you might be in for a heart attack, for instance. The problem is that sometimes a stressor can be both positive and negative. For instance, stressing over uni is a good stressor because it invigorates me and keeps me moving forward. However, stressing over exams is a negative stressor because I have a relapse that takes me closer to developing full blown MS.

This week has been a confusing one thus far. All stressors seem to be positive but I cannot help but feel run down and tired, which tells me that maybe they are negative as well. I am pursuing this idea of positive and negative because I know the latter can be eliminated or transformed, this is not some psychobabble “myth” either. I know Mindfulness is a popular as Kabbalah was years ago but the root of the theory is sound. That’s just one example of transforming negative stressors – use mindfulness. Then there is turning what might be a bad situation into something positive by sheer bloody force of will! I like to call this method the “I have no more fucks to give” method.

The best way, I think, to distinguish a positive stressor from  negative one is essentially how does it make you feel? Anything that makes you feel anything less than content is negative and you need to do something about it. For me it is often writing, by sublimating I try to transform the negative into something useful at least. Blogging, play by post RPing, writing literotica… they all count.

Fun fact: the cartoon for this post was one my professor used during his fight or flight lectures. 😛

The Final Furlong

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autoimmune diseases, health, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, NHS, TM, transverse myelitis

In two weeks I hand in my first draft of my introduction and methods for my empirical report. In three weeks I do a poster presentation on this same research. Then there are a few more deadlines before 31st August when I hand in the final draft – my last piece of work for this M.Sc.

This time last year I was struggling to get the government to do things right for my financing, and worried about the start of term. As it turned out they did fuck me over and I dropped marks in the first semester but semester two has been a rip roaring success! I’ve gotten a few 70+ marks (equivalent to 1st class) so it brings my average to about 64/65 overall. That is a solid merit/2.1.

So despite the governments attempts to fuck with me, yet again, I’ve prevailed. Or I nearly have. It will be an amazing achievement for me since I’ve struggled all through it, but I’ve learned more than academic things, I’ve learned more of my current strengths and weaknesses and how best to make future education (phd) work as well as what I need to make my career in psychology feasible. It’s an exciting time and I am eager to board the education train again in the next 18 months.

It’s been an intense year and even though I had a relapse half way through which brought me closer to developing MS (my next relapse will be the change in dx they believe) it was absolutely worth it. I’ve been privileged to hear the stories of other TM sufferers and how they are all too happy to participate in my research, which makes moving forward with further research easier – it gives me motivation because there is tangible proof that I am helping and that I can help.

On that note, anyone who has TM or TM and MS please take part in my research here: TM Research

The Plan

Tags

children, MS, Psychology, transverse myelitis, work

It feels weird. I had a plan. I executed said plan. Now I am almost completing the plan.

My MSc in Health Psychology is almost over and I am applying for PhD programs.

It feels so weird.

So what do I do next? Do I continue with my current research and study neuropathic pain? Or do I apply for the Health Psychology PhD? Or the Counselling PhD? Or for another taught PhD? Or do I find a local university who is doing similar research to me and is offering studentships/scholarships?

I want to stay at LJMU and work with my current supervisor, and I want to eventually work with the Pain Research Foundation. I just hope someone wants me and that I get a merit or above and that I get good references!

It feels so weird.

I am having fertility treatment and will have a kid either naturally or via adoption in the next five years.

It feels so freaking weird.

But it feels good.

SPSS Kill Me Now…

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coursework, quantitative, SPSS, statistics

Fortunately I have got an extension for this coursework, I needed it because of health reasons and lack of working equipment at home, but missing the workshops was not cool… My lecturer was good in giving me pointers for each question but I’ve had to dig out my awesome SPSS book from undergrad to have a hope in hell in passing this module. >_>

Give me qualitative data any day of the week…

Taking Stock

Tags

Education, gratitude, NHS, Psychology, university

It’s been a very busy few months, non stop since I started my masters course really. This degree is packed with assessments, but I like that, it makes me feel like I am working hard for it – and I am working hard for it dammit! :p

Taking a moment just to let it all sink in is important though. I’ve applied for a bursary – one where hundreds of students from various courses applied for this one prize and I got a “close second”. It was the next best thing to winning – I have a habit of coming second in things though so perhaps I am just used to it? haha!

Somehow I am still on this course and working harder then I ever did at undergrad! Yet I also feel more and more like a professional psychologist. It’ll be amazing to be qualified, it really will!

With Christmas coming up I just really wanted to make mention of how lucky I am – being born in England means I am privileged, I cannot be more thankful for the NHS, for instance. Without it I would most assuredly be dead.