New Beginnings

Tags

fertility, health, newborn, PhD

Recently I became an aunt for the first time, my little sister giving birth to Isabella (Izzy to me). She is adorable and I already want to spoil her way too much!

I also recently found out that it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever have children of my own. I’m not sure how I feel about this yet. I’m not ovulating and by the time I lose enough weight to see if I can ovulate and conceive or even have IVF I’ll be too old. So… no biological children for me.

I’ve decided to focus on the following:

• PhD
• Driving License
• Getting a Dog
• Being an awesome aunty

Eventually we’ll look at adoption, probably once IVF is ruled out (maybe before depending on finances).

All in all I’m feeling a little numb, not sure how to move forward so taking a break this week and trying to get my applications for the PhD done before the end of January…

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Two More Years

Tags

aging, fertility, health, ivf, motherhood, obesity

I find it quite astounding that I have 9 siblings and between us we have 3 children, only two having actually had those children. Given the fact my brother is an idiot and I can’t be sure he is even the father of his two I can only be certain that one of us have had a child. Even then it’s my youngest sibling and she is 30 weeks pregnant.

I am 38 now and I have, according to the nurse I saw yesterday, 2 more years of fertility help left on the NHS. Just two years! Fortunately I have a little more time on top of that for IVF since I won’t need to use my own eggs for that, but even then I have to bring my hefty BMI of 53 down to 30 to qualify for it. The key to that is bariatric surgery and I don’t qualify for that until the new year now.

So I have two years to lower my weight a little and hopefully conceive “naturally”, though I figure I’ll still need help with my ovulation. I am lucky in that bleed every month, but I have low hormones when it comes to releasing eggs, something I know can be improved with weight loss. It’s just weight loss takes time, and time is something I don’t have. Most of my 30’s was “wasted” by being too ill to move and too poor to afford healthy food.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, not really. Mostly I am self-deprecating because I am starting to believe it’s not meant to be. I know I do still have time, technically, but as each year passes and with each doctor telling me to lose weight I get more and more disheartened. I see plenty of people more obese than I having kids, some older than me, and part of me thinks it’s nature’s way of telling me this is not for me.

Nevertheless I shall try. I have always been a trier. Every single exam I ever took I assumed I was going to fail and academically I have a 100% pass rate (I am, of course, not including my two failed practical tests for driving!). I’ll try everything, including losing weight (crossing my fingers for bariatric surgery next year) and then just see what the Fates grant me. In the meantime I have a niece to look forward to, I have my phd to complete, a wedding to have and two cats to dote upon.

Five Years Younger

Tags

children, health, neurology, weight loss

Five years ago all this nonsense with my health kicked off and I am wanting those years back. After an appointment with my neurologist I’m realising ever more keenly that I may need to give up having my own children in favour of having bariatric surgery. Though what I will not do is wait for the NHS to make up it’s mind, to stop trying to have kids while I find out if or when I can have the weight loss surgery.

Still, it’s a sucker punch. Five years ago we’d been trying to have kids, I’d been losing weight and it would all have happened naturally. I’m almost 38 now and time has basically run out.

It’s gotten me into a bit of a funk, if I’m honest. I already know all of this, of course, but it was easier to put it to the back of my mind when I was in the middle of appointments and surgeries. Today I was forced to make a choice, to admit that the bariatric surgery came first, and it kinda killed my hopes about children.

My TM Journey

Tags

autoimmune, Education, health, long term condition, MS, neurology, TM, transverse myelitis

This is a blog I wrote for the TMA – Transverse Myelitis Association.

It was a sunny day. I remember the early morning sunshine pouring in through the living room window shaming me into hooving up all the dust. Typically, the hoover bag needed changing first, so while squinting because of the sunlight I bent down to take out the bag. That was when it hit. A sharp, stabbing pain in my lower back.

Read more: http://ow.ly/gq1C30kOZse

Timing Is Everything

Tags

depression, frustration, health, MS, TM

Perhaps it’s the hot weather making me sick, or generally feeling powerless, but I am in a bit of a limbo right now. I’ve worked hard on my proposal and everything surrounding my PhD but I seem no closer to it then I was six months ago. I can’t begin for September, which vexes me but that’s mostly because I am 38 this year and I wanted to be qualified before I was 40 – or not long after. It just feels like the timing if off with everything in my life right now, be it education and career, starting a family, or generally being out and about.

I started volunteering for the MS Society last week only to then get an email to say it’s all postponed until the area supervisor is back (she’s had to take a leave of absence), so bad timing for me there. I’m trying to finish my proposal but with the end of term and my supervisor going to Switzerland for work I’m not getting any further with that. Then of course is the baby issue. I’m still not pregnant, but because I was sick my period missed a month and so I had to delay an important cervical procedure. Delaying that means further delay on trying to conceive.

Of course I am impatient, and I’ll not give up, I’m just feeling frustrated and a little deflated right now. On top of that I’m being snappy because I have come off one of my painkillers and am starting to reduce my tramadol as well. All of this in an effort to conceive since those medications can cause miscarriage and birth defects. So irritable from more pain too. All in all I’m not very fun to be around right now.

Oh, and I gained 2kg because I was in funk after the miscarriage and the move was making it hard to cook and eat properly… fucking A right?

Long Term

Tags

diagnosis, finance, future, health, MS, TM, weight loss

What do you think about when you hear the words “long term”?

Long Term Relationship? I’ve got a few of those, the most important of which is with Simon, we’ve been together since April 2005. I’m lucky to have such an interesting and strong relationship and the “long term” part never fazed me or frightened me.

Long Term Illness? I’ve got a few of those too! Diabetes I am hoping to put into remission this time next year when I have bariatric surgery which should also normalise my blood pressure. For the Transverse Myelitis I just have to hope it doesn’t get changed to an MS diagnosis. With this “long term” was something I deeply feared and sometimes still do. It’s hard imagining growing old with these illnesses.

Long Term Loan? And yes, you’ve guessed it, I’ve got one of these too! Well, if you count the mobile phone then it’s 2 and if you count student loans then it’s… many more! And I’ll probably be adding a PhD loan to this soon as well and maybe a mortgage in the not too distant future. Who knows?

Long Term Forecast? For the weather, finances, health, we all tend to have these in our lives if only to try and plan our schedules, right?

So, what do you think of when you hear the words, “long term”?

Just Like Me

Tags

health, neurology, NHS, TM, transverse myelitis, transverse myelitis society

Last Saturday, the 17th, I met others who’d suffered Transverse Myelitis. It was a huge day for me for many reasons, but not least because it was the first time I’d ever met anyone else with this rare illness. Not only that, I had also been invited to talk about the research I did into TM pain and coping as well as contribute to one of the workshops in the afternoon. It was an amazing experience and I’m so grateful to have been able to be a part of it.

It was nerve racking to talk directly after my own neurologist, Prof Young, but I felt my presentation went okay. Talking to non psychologists is difficult, but then talking and presenting to psychologists is difficult too, the two experiences are simply different. As nervous as I was though it was the good kind of nervous, the kind that has you being aware of every moment, success or failure. ^^

I want to keep in contact with as many people as possible, so I hope they either email me or see this wordpress blog and reply!

Looking forward to joining in with the Manchester support group too!

New Year, More Physio!

Tags

health, physiotherapy, pregnancy, rehab, weight

In my 38th year of life I face in the first 2 weeks of 2018 four gruelling appointments at the hospital. First it’s physio for my wrists – which is hands down the most painful of my treatments. Then I get to see the rehab physio two days later to work more on my core strength and legs. Next week I start more physio with Aintree LOSS, a weight loss service, the aim being getting me fit for surgery later this year. Then finally it’s the steroid injection in my left wrist. This won’t be the end of it. Every two weeks I get to see all three physios. Wrists, rehab, weight loss, wrists, rehab, weight loss, wrists, rehab, weight loss.

Don’t get me wrong, this is all excellent treatment and all free on the NHS, so I am supremely grateful for it. They all have a specific purpose too, and a worthwhile one at that. I mean, strengthening my wrists should mitigate the awful pain, strengthening my legs and torso should help the back pain as well as improve mobility, and the last one could literally save my life or at least make the second half of my life more pleasant.

I have a 7 year (health) plan. Lose weight by the time I am 40, all the while still trying to get pregnant. When my BMI is below 30 I am pushing for IVF if we’ve not had a successful pregnancy. Then by 43 if there is still no joy we will begin trying to adopt. By then we’ll be in a secure financial state since I’ll have finished my PhD and will be on a proper psychologists wage. ^^

So, I guess what I am saying is fuck the pain and bring on the physio! lol

Site Runner No More

Tags

friends, health, hobbies, pain, Roleplaying, Writing

Perhaps some time in the coming months I’ll edit in a scan picture of my wrists. My right has joint problems that will 95% need surgery and my left has inflamed tendons (the worst of it on my wrist but the damage goes up my forearm too). I’m supposed to be coming down from the tramadol in lieu of pregnancy but at this rate I’ll be howling in pain 24/7, which sucks.

The pain got too much last week. I had a bit of a meltdown, so tired from lack of sleep these past months and right in the middle of a period (heralding another failure to conceive) meaning I’d not be pregnant before my 37th birthday. Needless to say I was low, low, low and in the end realised I could not continue as I was.

The typing I do for my hobbies is extensive. With the coding and photoshop work on top of actual posting to threads it was becoming too much, it was too much in fact and had been since my relapse in January. I was just in denial. I didn’t want it to come to an end because that meant I’d never admin another site again. I’d never be involved in the hobby on such a grand scale. Never be a plot runner or rally the troops, would never be a part of a larger community of RPers. It was a lot to come to terms with and it still is, but the bottom line was that I was not willing to lose the friends I’d made because I was too stubborn to just admit defeat.

So here I am, dehydrated from all the crying and I know there will be more to come. Yet I still have my friends, gdocs for those who I know have the patience for me and want to continue the characters we love 1×1, and I still have tabletop and the art I have and will continue to buy. I have Patreon to look forward to and my PhD as well as presenting at a conference this Winter (I hope, as long as my research is good!). So it’s the and of an era and the beginning of a new adventure…

Hopefully a new home, new dog and baby on the horizon.

Vote and hold them to account

Tags

crisis, disability, election, government, health, labour, tories, voting

In 2 days time we have an early election, brought forward by Theresa May. Many suspect that the Tories – aka the Killers of the Poor, Sick and Disabled – will win the majority. If you do not want this to happen then vote.

I am voting for my local Labour MP. Why? Well, I met with her as a candidate and I have looked at her voting record and while there are still things she needs to work on Louise Ellman is someone I feel I can meet again and hold to account.

Vote Green, Red, Pink or Black, just don’t vote Tory, BNP or UKIP. Be a unified Britain, not a Hate Crime one. Be involved. Be responsible.

The NHS is dying and austerity is a sledgehammer to the poor rather than a scalpel to the rich and government services. We have 50% more debt then we did in 2010 and nurses wages have not risen since before the Tories took over. Disabled people are dying because they do not have the care they need and working rights are in danger because of hard Brexit.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Please vote.

Please be informed.

Please do not fall for propaganda, for alternate facts, for Fake News.