Two More Years

Tags

aging, fertility, health, ivf, motherhood, obesity

I find it quite astounding that I have 9 siblings and between us we have 3 children, only two having actually had those children. Given the fact my brother is an idiot and I can’t be sure he is even the father of his two I can only be certain that one of us have had a child. Even then it’s my youngest sibling and she is 30 weeks pregnant.

I am 38 now and I have, according to the nurse I saw yesterday, 2 more years of fertility help left on the NHS. Just two years! Fortunately I have a little more time on top of that for IVF since I won’t need to use my own eggs for that, but even then I have to bring my hefty BMI of 53 down to 30 to qualify for it. The key to that is bariatric surgery and I don’t qualify for that until the new year now.

So I have two years to lower my weight a little and hopefully conceive “naturally”, though I figure I’ll still need help with my ovulation. I am lucky in that bleed every month, but I have low hormones when it comes to releasing eggs, something I know can be improved with weight loss. It’s just weight loss takes time, and time is something I don’t have. Most of my 30’s was “wasted” by being too ill to move and too poor to afford healthy food.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, not really. Mostly I am self-deprecating because I am starting to believe it’s not meant to be. I know I do still have time, technically, but as each year passes and with each doctor telling me to lose weight I get more and more disheartened. I see plenty of people more obese than I having kids, some older than me, and part of me thinks it’s nature’s way of telling me this is not for me.

Nevertheless I shall try. I have always been a trier. Every single exam I ever took I assumed I was going to fail and academically I have a 100% pass rate (I am, of course, not including my two failed practical tests for driving!). I’ll try everything, including losing weight (crossing my fingers for bariatric surgery next year) and then just see what the Fates grant me. In the meantime I have a niece to look forward to, I have my phd to complete, a wedding to have and two cats to dote upon.

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How Do I Live?

Tags

adoption, autoimmune diseases, ivf, Multiple Sclerosis, Psychology, transverse myelitis

When you have a chronic illness like Transverse Myelitis, Lupus or MS, how do you work? How do you have children? How do you do all the things other people do? I see some extraordinary people with my illness do extraordinary things so surely I can manage ordinary things? I think I can, I can but try, right?

So, as of this September/October I am doing my post grad in Health Psychology and hoping to work – at least part time – as a health psychologist. Also I am going to be turning 36 so I can start looking into fertility treatment. My hope is that since I find it nigh impossible to lose weight because of this illness that I might still be able to have IVF. If not fertility treatment then we will look at adoption. With me working and Simon being my carer/full time dad I think we can do this!

If there is anyone out there who has done this, who knows how to do this, please feel free to contact me. I’d love to hear from you!

Tick Tock Goes the Biological Clock!

Tags

adoption, age, autoimmune diseases, children, ivf

On the 13th October 2015 I will be 35 years old. For 35 years I’ve never cared about getting old, I looked forward to it in fact, but this year it comes with the need to make actual decisions. Instead of putting it off another year I really do have to decide (with Simon) if we are having children. If so, how? Do we just leave it to fate and wait and see? Do we see if we need help? If we need help do we get IVF or use a surrogate? Or do we adopt? If we adopt how old would we want the child to be?

Can we afford it? I think we can even in our current state. Am I able to look after my own? Disabled people have children naturally, they have IVF and they adopt – this is not the issue.

Do we have the room? If Simon gives up his man-cave for an adopted child, then yes. If we have a baby then they’ll be in our bedroom for a year and we’ll move to a bungalow or bigger apartment in the meantime.

Do I want children? Well, if I have a baby then I won’t have it any other way than IVF. Even then I want to have a near 100% guarantee that the poor sod won’t inherit my autoimmune disease. I am leaning more towards adoption, and adopting up to the age of five.

I hate the ticking of this clock, but I also do not want to be dead before my kids are 18.